A bit scared each day

Why is it that I’m okay with disappointing myself but not others?

I work SO hard at work. I hate to let anyone down. I want perfection.

I do not give that to myself… my family. Why is this?

I let myself fall apart. It used to be that I would let myself fall part alone for the most part. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I transitioned into new jobs in 2011. I was post college and post working two jobs during college, finding a lot of free time on my hands. My S.O. worked every other weekend and this gave me more free time…. ALONE. The only part I cherished about these weekends were that they were cheap ones. His time was filled during the day and I could lie low. The weekends he was off we would eat out, do an activity, etc. On the other side, I did not cherish these alone weekends if I had nothing to do. I can say with certain this is when the drinking problem started. I drank because I was lonely. I drank to not listen to myself I guess. To drown out the time. Now I wish I had time….

Listening to podcasts recently it seems like addicts, or the ones I have heard from, cannot be too busy and cannot be to free. I have not found this medium.

Two intentions moving forward:

  • more exercise
  • more alone time – meditation


Jean says, “[Alcohol] is the kind of friend who makes you feel good at first but then you realize the compliments were actually criticisms in disguise. (“Wow, in those jeans you can hardly tell how big your hips really are!”)  THAT friend. It was a relationship that was sucking up increasing amounts of my time, my joy, my energy, and was taking a toll on my health.

A comment on this post, “I’m sick of waking up and hating myself literally every day of my life and feeling ashamed and guilty…

Why, WHY am I letting myself hate myself everyday? Why am I giving everyone else my all?

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