I want to celebrate… with a drink LOL UGH – but honestly- the nagging is dissipating (the wee-st bit).
I’m trying to be present. I feel a bit more happy… A bit more engaged.. A bit less stressed. I’m trying to notice these moments.
I’m not sure the last time I did not drink for a week. I know I’ve gone days.. maybe made it about a week post a self loathing wake-up.
I need to constantly remind myself of those mornings. Wondering what I did the night prior. Wondering how I got here again.
It cannot take that gamble anymore. I have to remind myself ….. daily…. by the second… sadly….
There is no control for me…. It depended on hydration, food intake, and mental space; but, there was never “I can have this much”, because it was always too much. I didn’t know when I would be okay, drunk, or blacked out. Never knowing what amount would get me where. Never watching how much was being consumed to have a gauge, I guess, would be the better descriptor. And the gamble of my state and upsetting whoever I was with (even just myself). This cannot be a gamble I take any more.
Even the times I was home by myself I couldn’t stop drinking… why can’t I just enjoying hanging out with myself? I had to get myself to -out – … What I am I hiding from? I can hear the stories of the “all or nothing” , of the “going 100000 miles/ minute and the need to use this to stop”. I get it. I have to get something else.
At this point really all of our family and friends have seen me in a less than flattering position…
My husband has said it before, but another reminder I need to keep in mind is that I have not gotten hurt. It is very infrequently that I would go out of the house and get super drunk, but there were times… I could have been prey to anyone. The worse I have received is a twisted ankle. I need to now keep it at that.
I’m upset that none of the above things had me say NO! in the last (counting back to that new schedule that opened up so much time) SIX YEARS. I know it was on a slow ramp up in the beginning, but I’m been going very hard for a while now….
Lady Gaga says, “Aren’t you tired trying to fill that void? Or do you need more? Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?”