I just re-read my own 14 blog posts and feel RE-inspired…
- Remembered the bad choices that I’ve highlighted and the bad choices that some of the references bring to mind.
- Remembered the good sleep I’ve been getting.
- Remembered all 16 days of silencing that bratty child.
- Remembered the stress being more manageable.
- Remembered feeling a glimmer of happiness last week.
- Remembered that I can use my sources to talk myself out of listening to the bratty kid.
And then I need to turn to someone else to inspire me… remind me… relate to me…
“At the same time, my rational self turns against me. It becomes this smart-alecky, intelligent, very seductive voice in my head. It tells me that I have a Masters degree, that I’m smart, that I’ve achieved so much in life on my own, without the help of others. It tells me that, like other things, “drinking normally” can be learned. (Just saying it makes me laugh … cos I know I can’t.) It tells me that just this once, I can have a glass of wine and actually enjoy it. It tells me that, okay, maybe you’ll end up drinking the whole bottle, and going for a second one. But hey! You can do it at home, in the secrecy of your room (though you’ll have to hide it somehow from your boyfriend), and you can blackout and get drunk and wasted ALL BY YOURSELF and no one will have to see you. You’ll be fine. Just drink. Your feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and low self-esteem? You won’t even think about that shit as soon as you drink. You will feel awesome. You love alcohol. Just drink.
The fuck-it’s tell me that my two years of sobriety is enough to get sorted out – that, hooray, I’ve learned enough about myself and my defects to go bold and proudly back into the world, and start drinking again. It tells me that I can starve myself again and say hello to my old friend anorexia as a way to regain power and control, but that shit takes too long. (Yes, I actually think these thoughts). So just drink a few bottles of wine and get wasted – it’s much faster. You’ll get to sweet oblivion so much faster, and it will be glorious.”
More importantly the comment left on this post: “I had the same feeling right before a big family wedding in October 2014. The “Fuck its” whispering in my ear….for days and weeks. Once I learned that we had a shuttle to transport us to and from the reception…the “fuck its” started to chant in my head. I caved in with no fight. I had been sober for over 5 1/2 months. It started with a sip of my husband’s beer in the hotel room before we left. Next an offer of beer on the shuttle bus..which I drank. The relative offering it..knowing I had turned down drinks before…even asked..”If I offered you beer would you take one?” I said “sure!” I proceeded to make the decision that as long as we had a driver I could drink. Rum and cokes…doubles… Never mind the fact that I had my five year old child in my care. At the reception I reverted to all of the bad drunken behavior of my past as if nothing had ever changed. I even bought a drink for my brother-in-law who was struggling to stay sober at the party. I awoke the next day in the hotel room bed..next to my daughter. I had no memory of leaving the reception. My child had a bruise on her forehead! My husband informed me that she had run into another child on the dance floor. He said as soon as he saw how drunk I had become he hustled us out of there. We left so abruptly my daughter’s shoes were left behind, among other things. The shame and guilt I felt were overwhelming. It didn’t stop there. 2 months later I was invited to a “girls night out.” I left shaky in my resolve. As soon as I was offered a glass of wine..I announced that I hadn’t been drinking…but drank it anyway. By the end of that evening..I was drunk driving myself home. Christmas 2014, the same scenario repeated itself. Before I knew it.. over the course of the following few weeks I was buying wine again in secret, hiding it at home again, and getting drunk to the point of black out. I will celebrate one year sober on January 7th. I have been here before too. I once went almost 4 years. I know intimately how easy it is to slip and literally fall right back into sick, harmful drinking. I now know that I have the disease of alcoholism. I cannot drink….ever. Stay firm in your resolve. Tell the Fuck its to take a walk as if your life depended on it..because it does. Some people can’t eat peanuts. Some people can’t eat wheat. I can’t drink alcohol without stopping. I never could.“
I’ve had a few “fuck-its” post my weekend drinking. These are good reminders to me. Not worth it.
Day 1 again… August 29th.