One day at a time, always

Sometimes one second at a time. When I first (tried and did) quit drinking I had to pass (or even sit outside of my local alcohol sellers) and tell myself no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Throughout 2018 and 2019 I would go and buy the little pre-packaged shots in hopes that I could regulate and stay in control. It’s probably important for me to write that down so I can remember that and tell you it won’t work. It just got to be buying more and more. They have a shelf that you can pick your own out, so I’d grab about 6 for the weekend. And that worked for a while. Then it progressed to finding myself back when I accidentally went through them all on a Friday. Eventually the girls knew me so well they offered to sell me those in a lot – maybe about 20 all shrink wrapped together… How embarrassing! I was embarrassed, but did it stop me? No, I brought several of those lots.

Today marks getting into 4 months sober! Getting into 124 days sober. 1/3 of a year. Longest I’ve been sobers in probably 7 years. Have I changed? I desperately hope so.

  • No more hiding drinks.
  • No more starting with one and not being able to stop.
  • No more secret pre-gaming, being way past my friends and ending the night in trouble.
  • No more trying to find a different place to buy alcohol so the cashier doesn’t know me or know – how many times I’ve been there is week/much I’ve bought recently/be able to <accidently say in front of my husband>”didn’t we just see you?”
  • No more wondering if I can have a normal night or if it will turn out in an ugly fight or blackout.
  • No more thinking, thinking, planning….

So sad how many times I would get stressed out at the thought of “when can I have a drink?” The times when we would unexpectedly run out of alcohol at home and I would get super angry or panicked… AHHHH I’m so annoyed at myself for getting there.

I’m nervous because I have so many more things to get through as a first… I made it through Family Christmas, several other holidays, some tough outings… But not I have to have summer BBQs, summer fires, summer walks, suuummmmerrr niiiiights (Grease, sing it with me)…. I can do more firsts, SOBER!

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