Safer at Home weeked in # 7 in the books.
Two not so awesome weekends in a row 😦 but I survived and more importantly I stayed sober.
As I bickered with my husband on Saturday I could only remind myself this situation would only be more escalated if I were drunk.
As I chatted with the neighbors several times throughout the weekend I reminded myself now I do not have to question my actions or if I am talking stupidly.
I actually stayed up past midnight enjoying a fire, not passed out drunk my 10.
That second one really got me this weekend as I watched my husband drink in a crowd that was not drinking. I wouldn’t have noticed his stories or slurring or tipsy bodily behaviors if I had been drinking too. But he was telling pretty lame stores, not accurate stories, and kept telling me to be quiet. He was shifting the fire, but not on sturdy legs… It wasn’t out of control, but noticeable.
The lame stories part is probably just because I’ve heard them all and the inaccuracies might be due to the age of the stories.
I do find him hushing me the drunker he gets … I don’t think it’s to be rude. I think it’s a “hey I have the spot light” moment, as he grew up in a larger family.
I found myself just happy I wasn’t there. Truly. Odd. I was able to enjoy the fact that I wasn’t <accidentally> telling my fifth rambling story of the night. I tend to be fairly quiet in social situations when not drinking and I prefer it that way! I didn’t have to think about how long I needed to nurse a drink to walk back up to the house for another. Then feeling uncomfortable, taking a shot, and getting super drunk way to fast.
I enjoy that I’m not perpetuating craving a drink – for example I would likely have a drink or two before we left the house on Saturday and that would just start a craving for the rest of the day… All day thinking about when I could have another drink… Starting to feel like crap if I was coming down from the buzz… Not I don’t have to agonize over that all day, plus HOW LAME? Why did I do that to myself!?
I could feel myself not liking how my Sunday was going/ending, but I could at least just pause on that feeling and accept it, not drink it down (then making the day worse yet).
I did wonder this weekend at some point if I could have ONE … But that is the sneaky & conniving thing from AA, right? I tell myself I can do it, but I can’t. I could almost agree with myself… What was the point of one… It took my ability to go anywhere away… It made me just a little light headed/unfocused. What’s the point? I really do wish I could have a glass or two of wine…. I also really do not wish that.