As I think through my time of drinking… I was rarely of “drink the day of” and more worry about what the day was going to be – to drink far to much the night before.
I did not seem to have social anxiety in high school or college – but I did keep mainly to my group of friends, which contained a level of comfort.
Now I don’t like hanging out with close friends, acquaintances, or strangers. L.O.L.That is so sad. Why? Likely because of the drinking within our house? Stress about what I might do, stressed about what my husband might do, stressed about getting home safely, stressed about getting home without a fight.
We built these habits with each other and our friends. Drinking out or more often at home is just what we did. Every gathering evolves around drinking. My husband even said, “Why are you not hanging out with ‘X’ anymore?” My answer was, “She won’t go to breakfast with me.” Which is summation is we do nothing but drink together.
I was doing some research on co-dependency & empath personality type… I need to do more. I know I am this person. I worry about everyone else. I need to stop taking on them and their stuff and their actions – big part, my husband. I was listening to a podcast telling me I cannot change, nor should change his actions, words, etc. … But isn’t he a reflection, an extension of me?
Pro- con- he says what’s on his mind. I find myself censoring for the crowd. Neither is right, but he stresses me out. I find him offending people more often, getting into unnecessarily debates, but he’s more genuine….?
Something that has also been on my mind, I cannot stay mad at him ever. Should I? I’m not sure how healthy it is to have anger… but I twist and turn between my actions and feelings and his actions and feelings (empathy for all parts of a situation) and cannot come to conclusions or hold a feeling at all.
So many things to uncover… Still Sober!