Aware

I’m painfully aware there are 2 full vodka bottles, 2.5 whiskey bottles, a half-a bottle of wine, 2 beers & 2 wine coolers in this house.

My friend left the wine coolers here 12/31 (even after I told her I wasn’t going to drink them and didn’t particularly want them in the house)… “I’ll come back and drink them! I want to have something for next time!” Normally “next time” would be much sooner than 5 months later, but quarantine….

Not that I haven’t down a bottle of everything, the vodka made me flinch as it came in the house… The last thing I drank heavily.

The whiskey I’ve feel less inclined to consume.

The wine was bought to make braised beef ribs. I was hoping that it would all be used in the sauce or my husband would drink it with dinner…. But it now sits in the fridge…. After we ate dinner my husband went out to have a distanced bonfire and it sat on the counter. I thought about it all night….. I would be by myself…… I knew my husband would be out for a long time… Hungry for other interaction…. I should be safe to have a drink by myself? The only really bad nights were drinking (over drinking) with others.

But no, once I had that half a bottle of wine I would feel a good buzz and want more. Seek out those other bottles or those wine coolers. I would have… I know I would have. And yes, perhaps I would not have fought with anyone or had a terrible night, but I would have wasted a cherished night alone drunk and asleep.

I really cherish my completely alone time and in the past (the past year or two prior to quitting drinking) I wasted it using that time to drink. Then I didn’t get to use that time as I wanted…. just wasted and sleeping.

I caught up on a few shows and enjoyed some mental free time – sober.

I thought about that wine…. quite a bit while it sat on the counter… After I plugged it up and put it in the fridge….

But

I made it another <hard> weekend.

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