I had off for a week starting July 25th. I’m not sure what days where what, but I did allow myself to drink as it was my birthday and anniversary weekend and VACATION! I wanted to relax and have fun. I super, super overindulged once – I think on Sunday. Monday was a wasted day of being hungover. I didn’t/don’t miss that. We did have friends up that next weekend – they came about 3 PM and we were sitting around the bar … Waitress going around the table He, He, She ordered a drink… I paused… Do I continue this? I order a drink. We stayed out until about 1 AM. My husband made me cry once… but honestly WE ALL CRIED at some part of the evening…. lol in hindsight it was nice to be with close friends for the first time in a while… and it also makes me laugh to look back…. We could all use a mental health cleansing and drinking isn’t helping that.

I then drank only on weekends in August…. Up until this last-ish week. I wanted to drink everyday near the end. Probably two fold- I knew Sept 1st it was done and I wonder if my brain was just eating it up again. I didn’t like either feeling.

I do not regret allowing myself to give it a try. I started by telling myself I was not allowed to drink out of anger and I was able to hold to that. I was also able to show some restraint – make a drink… slowly drink it… relax… DRINK WATER!

I also started a low carb, low sugar focus on my diet around the end of June so I wanted to be careful about my intake (hard alcohol is carb free + seltzer works!) but other all just less calories and different food makes you process differently – less alcohol ‘padding’ and if it’s too sugary it will now pass through me QUICK!

On Saturday I was home by myself. I slowly drank all day which I didn’t love and it just makes me so lazy. I ordered bad food and didn’t get anything done that I wanted. It’s good to have a lazy day, but I always waste them wasted. …. We went out for dinner and then our friend stopped by, but I was super tipsy and just ready for bed. I got to end my last day drinking this year hungover…. Days off feel so few and hard between that it’s pretty devastating wasting a day like that.

To Remember:

  1. I will not allow myself to pretend it went well. Once I start drinking, now and then, I still do not want to stop. Even with some distance I cannot get enough // chasing something I cannot obtain.
  2. I will remember I get lazy and unmotivated.
  3. Either because of distance, age, and/or diet I now really don’t feel good the next day — which gets into the ‘have a hair of the dog’ moment- don’t! That just makes you want to drink all day then.
  4. I could see myself starting to drink everyday again.
  5. I could easily see myself starting to drink my emotions again.
  6. I found myself wanting to drink around lunch time…. CAN’T think that way! Generally at lunch time I still have 10 hours to work.

Sept 1st! I’m not counting as a day 1 per say, but 2020 (for me and my drinking) a year of cease and discover.

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