I read another blogger post: “why do I avoid my blog? It helps to write.” I will say this blog post doesn’t go with my blog title…. I am not currently THRIVING and if that feels harmful to you, maybe don’t keep reading.
Today and yesterday I woke up totally debilitated and overwhelmed… I guess I haven’t said much to the people in my life…. but I guess I can be honest here.
Second New Years in a row I didn’t sleep at my own home, due to my husband’s drinking and temper. Last year I was sober and had 2 weeks in. I felt confident in my decision not to drink, but my husband was already annoyed by it (“You’ll be judging us all night”). I bought FRE (N/A Wine) and was ready to go! I’m totally forgetting what we did for dinner – generally we do Asian. But the plan was to go over to a friends. So it was us 4 – 2 couples – and a not totally stranger, but random friend my husband invited. It was a weird group, but it was okay. We were hanging out and waiting from my friend’s child to be picked up by grandparents and then I think we were going out. Me the DD!
Some how we ended up with that group of 5 back at our house – a stop before we went out?- and my husband has a full melt down. He said I insulted a friend and just melted down. 5th wheel left. I drove couple home. I get home and I’m locked out. I went to my dads. I Ubered to make some money and occupy my mind Jan 1, 2020. And then eventually went home assuming that when he let the dogs out the doors would be open.
I’m not sure that I wrote about that last year…. I’m not sure how long we did not talk for — healthy, right?
We did have an up and down 2020 just like everyone else, but we bought a permanent campsite with trailer and genuinely had a very good summer.
We also just did a stay-cation in December that we had a blast on.
So this year … Dec 31, 2020–
I did have some drinks afternoon of Dec 31st. I had about 7 months sober and I have now been drinking on and off for 5 months. I will acknowledge I’m not happy about that. Anyways, we had a vague plan of getting Asian again. My husband got home about 4 – complaining that the couple of friends he reached out to couldn’t lock into a plan and he was already quiet annoyed and heightened. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, so I know just to sit back and be quiet and let him get ready – don’t rush him. I was ready, even had shoes on, and was quietly watching TV. Eventually I said, “Why are we letting people who don’t matter ruin the night? Let’s go and get a nice dinner and then we can meet up with them if they are ready later.”
DOOM. I didn’t mean they didn’t matter… I meant, why are you letting them get the whole night down. But that lead into a probably 30 min fight. I gave him money to go out and took my shoes off – umm, NO that wasn’t the right answer either. CHAOS. We left for dinner….
We ended up going out. He’s attitude wasn’t great, but with 3 others joining us it was brought up a bit. 3 bars later, I ended up walking to my dad’s from a bar because I could feel his attitude escalating and I couldn’t/didn’t want to… was afraid… of what the rest of the night would bring.
Two times in a row – sober or not- we didn’t make it to midnight together.
I’ll simply say the texts and the result to my house that night was not good.
Again locked out, but I had different keys this time, so I was able to get in.
I have talked to him twice via text, once in person. Otherwise we haven’t talked this year. It’s 1/20/2021. I’m not sure what to say anymore.
I need work. He needs work.
I need to protect my heart. I need to protect my mental health. I need to protect my physical health.